I hate exercise…

I don’t like getting up and going to the gym every day. In fact, I fucking hate it most of the time. There’s nothing fun about waking up before the sun rises and getting out of my warm comfy bed, where my husband is always holding on to me, trying to prolong that one last moment of cuddling before I start my day. I don’t like changing into my sports gear, and braving the often wet, cold morning weather as I head to my car. I dislike the how exhausting the first few pulls on a rower feel, how much my lungs and legs burn as I spin the wheel of the assault bike, or how old and decrepit my joints all scream to be during the first few hundred meters of a jog as I attempt to warm up for whatever bit of nastiness is programed in the workout each day.

I hate the way burpees beat me every time – leaving me exhausted on the floor.

I hate that wall balls make my internal voice complain about how disadvantaged I am because I’m so short, or how it whines that my severely injured body parts, the metal ankle and calcified shoulder, or the surgical procedures I’ve been through make this shit harder on me than everyone else. That voice is a bitch, whom often lies and I know it.

I hate the way pull-ups make me wish I weighed less (while sometimes taunting me with tasteless humor, leaving me questioning whether or not adopting an eating disorder might make them easier for me to do.)

I hate how defeated I feel as I struggle hard to reach some new achievement that my body (or perhaps more often my mind) isn’t yet ready to perform despite many months if not years of hard work.

I hate feeling like everyone is looking at me, knowing like I think I know, that I have no fucking clue what I’m actually doing most of the time. I often feel like a fitness fraud.

And I hate DOMS – the delayed onset muscle soreness that can sometimes make it extremely painful to function for a few days after a really hard workout.

But do you know what I hate more than all of this?

I hate the depression that takes over my life when I’m not actively moving and pushing myself.

I hate not sleeping soundly at night because my body and mind is restless.

I hate being a victim to modern laziness.

I hate knowing that it’s up to me to change all this, and then not bothering to do it.

I hate the pounds of fat that my body accumulates as excess energy I’ve eaten, lagging me down in every other area of my life.

I hate believing that I cannot. And that goes for just about anything.

I hate looking in the mirror and disliking what I see each day.

I hate how squishy I feel in my clothing.

I hate feeling like a person who doesn’t make time to take care of myself, the time for fitness.

I hate feeling like I would crawl out of my own skin if I could.

And you know what I would hate more than exercise?

I’d hate suffering from or dying of a preventable disease because I didn’t both to push myself a bit now. 70% of all premature deaths are due to preventable illness. It’s ALL about lifestyle. Knowing this, how could you not hate allowing yourself to become a statistic?

I’d hate suffering cardiovascular disease, WAY more than I hate running, or rowing, or biking first thing in the morning.

I’d hate having type II diabetes, or metabolic syndrome, way more than I hate burpees or box jumps.

I’d hate to be 60-something years old and unable to wipe my own ass or get up off the toilet, because I didn’t bother to take the time each day to make sure I could still squat now.

I love what exercise does for me…

I love that exercise makes my body and my mind strong.

I love that through adversity I am growing every single day.

I love the way I feel when half way through a workout that little voice in my head tells me to give up, and I defy it – pushing through to the end anyway. THAT makes me feel strong – no matter how much I had to modify or scale the workout.

I love that when I look in the mirror I see strength more than I see weakness.

I love the way people look at me in public as I lift or carry something they assume a girl shouldn’t or couldn’t.

I love that every day I go to the gym it gets a little easier and I get a little stronger than the day before.

And most of all, I fucking love that I am able to, and do make these choices for myself.

You can make that choice too.